I just nipped this memo off the fax machine of you-know-who:

"Acme don't want to do a jig, a bad thing, the issues that they raise are ones we were or were not aware of. If we were aware, a conscious or unconscious or semiconscious decision was made to address or maybe to not address, not clear on which is in play here or which perhaps is not in play here. To the extent we were or were not aware, it has to be a matter of time rather than desire, and time is dominated by the disintegration. And the disintegration is dominated by desire and desire is dominated by time. The bottom line is: to the extent we were not aware we should've been more aware."

Lordy b'Gordy if I could go back in time and do it all over I'd've gone to college or business school or something so I could talk like that. (Or at least understand it!)

Bertha? what on God's Good Earth is going on in your department??? I saw Kay and Derek sort of talking real close out in the parking lot. And I didn't have my "eyes" on but I could've sworn his hand brushed across her tush. I dunno maybe he was just brushing off some powdered sugar or something. You know I'm NOT one to spread gossip...but I'd keep a look on those two if I were you.

You know I worked my fingers to the bone (fingers. to. the. bone.) getting everything together for that damn bored meeting and Mr. Patel goes and sends out an email thanking Myron's "team" for doing SUCH a great job. TEAM? TEAM?? What team could he be talking about? I didn't see Bessie rolling up the baloney and putting little frilly toothpicks in them. I didn't see Benji on her hands and knees (although I hear that would not be uncommon for her) painting the "welcome bored members" sign. Oh excuse me... "Board Members" I'm sure I'll not live that one down for a while.
What's a girl got to do around here to get any recognition?

HAAAAAA!!!! It may have taken a year and a half but I finally got that fat ass Ron in I.T. fired!!!!!! That'll show him to put "controls" on us!!! This new guy is a push-over, one bundt cake and a little "accidental" flash of thigh and WE'RE BACK GIRLS! and don't it feel gooooood.

For pete's sake BettyJean. Go easy on them Raisins. You're cubicle is starting to smell like a gin mill. They're supposed to be solely for MEDICINAL purposes. We don't want to have to perform an innervention on you.

Girls. Hurry up to the board room. They had Subway brought in! There's all kinds of stuff left and if you hurry up before Regina finds out you can prolly swipe some stuff up to bring home for dinner too!

Good God. I figured I'd follow Bertha's suit and give them "Espedrills" a go. Well BigK was out of the slipper kind so I got the kind with the rope that goes around your ankles. Well excuse me if you see me walking around barefooted today but that rope's been cutting into my ankles all morning. I mean I can see using rope to keep your shoes on if you're in some dirt country that doesn't have velcro. But to use it by choice I just don't get.

Gosh BettyJean I'm sorry. Here I was making fun of Bertha about "the Change" and there you were silently suffering this whole time. Listen, I read about this real good menopause remedy. Apparently, you soak raisins in Gin and then let them dry back up and then pop the little suckers throughout the day it really helps with a lot of the symptons. You should give that a try.

Today I been sitting here all day staring out the window. Now my neck and back sorta hurt from crooking my neck around the cubicle. And Maybe If there was something to see out there besides the parking lot this daydreaming would make me feel better. But I'm just feeling blue. I've had three Baby Ruths and that hasn't even cheered me up. They always make me feel better, usually.
Anyway...
Whoever has the Tan Granada...their back left tire looks a little low.

oh girls dontcha ever get to wondering if there ain't something better?

Tofu Pops? What in the hell? It is clearly another world over in Data Processing.

We do however see eye to eye on Mr. Goulet. What a treat it must have been seeing him in the flesh! I have a recording of him singing "You Light Up My Life" that I swear gets me all a twittering like a humming bird in a Honeysuckle field.

Gosh BettyJean I sure hope you get that little problem cleared up before the Picnic. We finally settled on a place. I talked the big Guy into pouring a little extra dough into it this year and..... we are going to have it at.....
STEVIE JOE PLISKIN'S HAPPY APPLE LODGE AND FAIRGROUNDS!!!
I know, I know I can hardly believe it myself! They've got a volley ball net there and horseshoe pits, you name it! They even have the hog pit pre-dug! We don't even have to bring our own hibachis. They got ones that are right there, permanant. This year promises to be the best employee appreciation picnic yet. Eddie Smalley and his barfing pig parts couldn't even ruin it.

Well my worst fear has come true. Not one Mr. Pibb. in the whole building. What's next? The Sani-Free machine in the ladie's room only stocking tampons?

I ask you when will the injustice in this place end? They took the Mr Pibb from the Soda Machine! And replaced it with DIET Mr Pibb. DIET??? Ooh I am spittin mad. First the Fresca's gone and now this. This is personal and you all know it! Now I'm going to have to go down to the 18th every time I want a little pop. At 6 cans a day, that's a big inconvenience. Oh no...that's if they didn't go and change that machine too! Be right back.

What a relief BJ, I didn't want to say nothing but I was afraid maybe you were having some sort of youth complex or something. I saw that tight dress with the staples and I thought you were trying out a punk rocker look. I was very happy to see you back to your sensible Dress today. I always tell you how I love seeing you in floral patterns. Is that a Jaclyn Smith?

Bertha, either it's real cold in your office or you like little Frankie a little more than you're letting on.

Girls I have been so busy today. I have this big project I'm working on making mounds and mounds of photostatic copies of these Very Important High Level Documents. Well what a fiasco it's been. Imagine me standing in the copy room sippin on my Mr. Pibb waiting for the last batch to be spit out when I look at the copier and see pages and pages stopped up on that shelf thing where they come out. Each page butting into the next all a jumble looking like that curvy Christmas ribbon candy. I coulda cried. Contracts and appendixes and lord knows what else all mixed together. Well I just sort of flattened them all out and stapled them together and slipped them in the middle of the pile. The way I figure, no one REALLY reads that crap and whoever gets stucked with the mucked up one will just think he's not following along and be too embarrased to admit it. No one will be the wiser.

Uh, yesterday was just Hell-a-shus! I'm sposed to be planning the company pig roast this year. And who wants it at the park and who wants it at the fairgrounds and who wants it out at the lake. By the time I got through sortin' through all the requests all the top choices had been booked up. So it's back to square one. I just don't want us to end up doing it over to Bessie Snorte's place again this year. I can't believe she had the nerve to call that impetago pond an inground pool. And I think she got those burgers from Jackie's boyfriend-if you know what I mean.

Bertha, that news is just shocking! That ole Jackie Welsh is a real Harlot. Last I heard she was seen going around with that "little man" from file management.

Everyone is oohing and ahhing over that new powder blue shag rug in the reception area. We'll see how they ooh and ahh after the first rain storm and we all come dragging our muddy heels all over it. Sure it looks real pretty now, but just you wait.

Geez BettyJean, I don't know when you will learn. First Regina's cupcakes and now this. These damn fools bring food into work that ain't fit for a racoon. I stay away. When the hell do you think Jackie's beau shot that deer? Deer season's been over for months. Come by my desk later. I got some chewy candys stored away.

Well I got a Shasta can in my cubicle with a lipstick shade on it that I haven't worn since Rosanne had a last name . I'll sign that petition. Ipso facto it on over to me

You ladies have a nice weekend, you too bertha.

You know Bertha. You need to back off. I'll be remembering how you didn't stand up for me next time you call me asking me to tape "Touched By An Angel" for you. As for Regina, she should not be making comment about people's weight if she's going to be coming into the office with that sleeveless shirt on.

Oh Bertha what is it? You're so emotional lately dear. I sure hope you're not going through the changes.

Well I guess I'll see you all for Prayers and Sloppy Joes. I guess this means Stan will come home drunk smelling of beer and bourbon and I'll come home bloated smelling of Turkey Bologna and 1000 Island. So much for trying something new and different.

Don't get me started on the candy bowl!!!! It seems Regina couldn't handle all the praise and glory I've been receiving on it. So she just went right ahead and bought all this stuff in bulk, swedish fish and everything. Apparently she has a nephew who works in the bulk store and got us a 10% discount. Well how am I supposed to compete with that? Now SHE'S doing all the ordering. It was my one sole joy, buying that candy for everyone. Putting a smile on everyones face. Now it's gone. So, if you want anymore chewy candies you can just go TELL REGINA.

Bertha, how long are you going to stay mad at me? I know I have to lose a few pounds too. But WW just doesn't work too good for me. The idea of going into the meeting every week and weighing in stresses me out so much I do nothing but binge on Doritos and mallowmars. Last time I tried Weight Watchers I gained 18 pounds and then ended up hooked on Dexaslim trying to lose it. I just can't take that chance again.

Golly, it's like a graveyard in this joint today. Is everyone coming down from their easter candy high?

Oh Bertha, we're all here for you. You know that. And I'll help anyway I can. Maybe we can take a little walk around the parking lot after our lunch break? Have you tried that slimfast diet? A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and a sensible dinner. Those shakes taste real good. But unfortunately they send you to the John all day too. Hey how about that Subway Diet? That fat guy got all skinny eatin nothin but turkey subs. That sounds like a diet I could sink my teeth in to. (Ha Ha Ha.)

Hey Ladies, Stan has another one of his "business dinners" Thursday night. I was thinking we could go out and cause a little trouble of our own. It's league night at the lanes so that's out. Any other ideas?

A couple hairs on my little baby toe have gotten a little snarled in my hose and it keeps tuggin and chafin. It's driving me crazy.

Bertha, Page 5, Paragraph 1 "Physical confrontation between employees is strictly prohibited. Any physical altercation will be grounds for immediate dismissal for both parties. In event of conflict between yourself and a co-worker please take said dispute to human resources and fill out the employee-employee grievance form #515b. This form will be channeled to your supervisor. After a 3 day "cooling off period" all concerned parties will be asked to air their grievance infront of a 3 person "Friendly Work Space Board." The board will decide on the best course of action to clear up the grievance."

I guess it's not worth getting into it with Jackie. If I were you I'd do a little something on the sneak. Maybe a few drops of Visine in her Sanka when she's not looking.

BettyJean, Pg. 34 Paragraph 3. "All Holiday decorations shall be displayed no later than 2 working days after said holiday. With the exception of Christmas decorations which may be left in view until the Epiphany, January 6th but no later."
I'm keeping my little CottonBall Chicks that I made at the party in my desk drawer so that at least they'll cheer me up everytime I reach in there for my nail file or something.

And let me tell you all a little secret about Regina's cupcakes. She don't make 'em. Her Aunt Birdie owns that little truckstop out on 71 and when things get too old to feed to the truckers she passes it on to Regina and her brood, and when it gets too old for Regina she brings her "fresh baked batches" inta the office. It seems Regina just can't waste a lick of food since seeing that Sally Struthers Special. Why she must have about 6 or 7 of those Sally Struther's babies. She's got pictures and all.

God Bertha, must you be so crude? I just ate lunch. Honestly I don't know where you come up with this stuff. Skids?

BettyJean c'mon now. Don't start getting all fanatical like Bertha. You like those shoes, you wear 'em. You're still a good American.
Besides I can't be runnin all over town today. I gotta get home to the crock pot before my roast cooks away to nuthin.

I'm off Ladies. Til Tomorrow.

Well Jeez don't still water run deep. I'm sorry about your shorts but I told you not to feed her so many chocolates. Lisa Marie was my very best friend and the thought of replacing her sends a cloud passin right over my heart.
As far as your Migraines gertrude, you might wanna lay off the sips. You need a year's supply of Mint Juleps like your friend Mazie needs another colostomy bag.

Oh Betty Jean I'm so sorry. You're right, you're right, I know you're good for it, I do. I don't know what come over me yesterday spoutin such venom. But you know I'm always a little touchy around the anniversary of my precious little poodle Lisa Marie's passin. I'll never forgive myself for not measuring that leash before I tied her up to that porch. The image of her hangin there, her little pink toungue poking out. It haunts me. If that Goddam Gertie wasn't such a stick about allowing pets into her house it woulda never happened. Again Betty Jean, I'm real sorry. I got your espadrilles (that's what they're calling them now apparently) in my car.

This chippy next to me is playing this Shawn Coolvan person a little too loud for my taste. This Shawn sure sounds like a girl if you ask me.
Anyway, off to Big K...
Betty I'll see if I can pick up those slippers for you... but please don't make me wait 3 months before you pay me back (like the last time I fronted you at Bertha's Mary Kay Party).

The bosses are out so i don't intend to stick around much longer. I think I'll slip out and get a little shopping done. You know K-Mart brought back the blue light special. Well I say it's about time. Someone clock me out at the end of the day?

shit is it monday already?
i musta overslept.

I think I got a case of the Monday Blahs. Friday is four days away and i'm as antsy as a drunk on sunday.
BettyJean we were all real sad not to have you with us at at the Gator. It's never the same without you. Hope your tooth is ok.
Anyone have any fun this weekend?

Monday. Damn.

Common Girls! Stop wagging those tongues and get your patooties down to the Blue Gator. The whistle has blown!

The name's Willona, BBHiggens.
Sorry I answered for BettyJean but i was sure she was gonna
come around askin' me for some hair spray just like she always does.

Now I don't really want to continue on this potty humor vein but GODDAMMIT! That ole bag a bones behind me is cuttin' the cheese again. I swear she's a good 15 feet behind me and it comes waftin' DIrectly to me. How can a bulemic's flatulence smell so bad? She don't eat a thing. I don't get it.

honey, I haven't been able to afford AquaNet in months. I don't know who you think
yer talkin' to here. I'm not made of money.

when i went down to the break room for a giant tootsie roll
debbie had her arm stuck half way up the candy machine.
she said her money got stuck but i'm sure she was just tryin'
to get somethin' fer nothin'.

Lenora I hope you told that ol' goat to keep her trap shut.
If she only knew all the other little "chores" you do around there!

Oh BTW Regina passed by. She complimented the candy bowl. Someone said "oh that's Lenora's work." She said "Oh what a great job, you get to just hang out and order candy."
Yeah.

WOOOOOHEEEEEE Ladies! I Have one word for you all T-G-I-F!
I'll see you down at the Blue Gator in exactly 19 Minutes.... make that 25 I'll be needin' some time to fix my face. First round of Margahoohas is on ME!

My polyester uniform pants smelled real bad yesterday after wearing them all week long.
Can I help it if the other ones were ruined when that smart-mouth trucker bumped me when I was fillin' up the ketchups?

My two most shining moments of late have been purchasing a really good combination of both chewy and chocolatey candy for the office candy bowl and suggesting a bigger keychain for the ladies room key.