Sorry to say...

Well, for the simple reason that more than one person actually reads my "other" blog-I've moved to MYSPACE.

Yeah, I'll pay penance later. Shut up.

Not that I don't dig that one dude that reads my blog here, you know. Grr, baby.

Move on up!

Gettin' Lazy.

I've been going through this very reflective period- where I don't know if this is what I want to do with my life. I've been tired, sore, and angry.

I snap at my patients- even the ones I like. You know how you act when you say "Sorry- I'm just having a bad day..."? I'm like that every day.

I've lost control of what comes out of my mouth. It used to be one of my more redeeming qualities- that I'm so honest. But lately I've just been plain mean. A patient was being a dick last night, and he made the comment of, "fine, don't care what happens then," and before I could stop myself, I said, "oh, I don't care, I assure you..."

I don't think I meant it in the way that he took it, but at the same time, I've just lost all empathy for some of these people who CAN take care of themselves, they're just spoiled to the point that they no longer want to.

For instance, when I work the dining room, I have a mix of feeders and setups. Set-ups are where a patient just needs someone to take lids off, add seasonings, those types of things- but they can feed themselves. Feeders are those who pretty much sit there, don't speak, and have no control over their hands. As a general rule, I'll do setups first, then go to my feeders. The setups are developing a habit of being very very impatient when it comes to food, because god forbid they have to wait more than 60 seconds or something.

I can only do twelve things at once, you know.

So I get really agitated, and it's getting easier and easier for me to get agitated. There's this huge vein in my forehead that sticks out. I know that's such a cliché, but it's totally true for me.

I'm reaching a point where I'm only happy when I'm with Richard, and that scares me. I don't want to become dependent on him for my joy, but everything else is so shitty (no pun intended...) compared to him. He's the absolute light of my life.

Ugh. Cheese much? ;)

Anyway, I'm sure this is just a hormone induced phase in my life right now. At least I hope...

I can't say it any better than this...

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness--that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what--at last--I have found.

Bertrand Russell